September 16, 2022
My daughter turned 9 a couple weeks ago, and she desperately wanted a Harry Potter-themed sleepover party for her and her closest friends. Me, having been a 9-year-old-girl many moons ago, remembered nostalgically about going to sleepovers and watching movies and eating pancakes the next morning. We whittled the guest list down to 4 of her closest school friends and I talked my husband into the idea that 5 girls sleeping over would be fine. “I did this when I was her age!” I exclaimed. “It will be great!”.
Fast forward a week since my daughter’s sleepover party and I am STILL rocked to the core with exhaustion. 🙂 But what surprised me most was the general level of anxiety I had that night – not for her party or the other girls, but anxiety FOR my daughter. It wasn’t hard to hear snippets or full conversations (I mean, they were screaming most of the time…lol). I just became so worried that my daughter, in this group of girls she chose to come, fit in. That she was accepted. That the other girls liked her. That this party we carefully threw was good enough so that her friends thought she was cool. SIGH. She’s 9 and I’m worried that she is cool. [And honestly, based on her parents’ experience with being cool, as in none, she’s got a tough road in front of her…lol].
As I thought more about this, I realized that I am not worried about my kid being cool. Liked? Yes. Accepted? Definitely. But it made me focus on something I have personally been struggling with over the last several months – connections.
There are all kinds of connections in our worlds. A connection to other people, to school, to our church and to God. A connection with all the different to the different communities in which we are members. Connection has traditionally been something that I crave as an extrovert, as a people person, but something that has been acutely missing from my life in the aftermath of this very personal cancer journey in this last year that has left me feeling disconnected from many things in my life, including people and things that have always meant a great deal. It’s a missing corner piece in the big jigsaw puzzle of my life.
I say this very vulnerably, as this blog is personal and hard. But I think that it’s something we all can relate to, deep down inside.
I think about connections particularly with our children as we begin a new school year. Isn’t this what we all want for our kiddos? To make connections, form relationships and friendships, to seek their own support systems and places that embrace them, for exactly who they are? Don’t we all hope for this when we drop them off at school, or to a new dance class, or to practice on a new sports team? Do you ask your kiddos when you pick them up the following questions?
- Did you make a new friend today?
- Who did you play with today?
- Did you play with [insert name] – they seem so nice and so does their mom and dad?
- Were the kids nice to you today?
I mean, I hammer my kids with these questions.
Preschool is the beginning of watching our children form more intimate and lasting relationships and friendships, independent of the friends we have “chosen” for them. We don’t mean to hammer our kids with these questions. Maybe it’s just our strong desire for our kids that they find a sense of belonging, that they form friendships, that they fit in. Maybe this is how as parents we define their happiness? I say this, because maybe we define our own happiness with our level of connections with those around us.
Do we belong? Are we liked? Are we accepted? Do we have a space and place to plug in and just be ourselves? As much as I’d like to say that I have totally embrace all the self-confidence in the world, I ask myself these questions more than I should. I assess my life and wonder if I’ve missed the boat on making friends with people at the kids’ school, or soccer team, or in my neighborhood. Am I really doing my part to connect with my church family? What about the friends that I’ve had near and dear to me for almost two decades – shouldn’t I be spending more time reconnecting with them rather than looking around for more? I mean (and this is embarrassing), I had a conversation with a preschool parent who goes to our pool on a Meet-the-Teacher Day, and I was basically doing everything except waving a flag in front of me that said, “Let’s hang out at the pool!”. Hahaha.
I said it earlier and I say it again, this blog is hard and it’s personal. As I (very vulnerably) grapple with how to reconnect in my life, I try to remember that God is always connected with me. With each child. With all of us. If we are truly looking for a place and a space to be accepted and liked for who we are, we need not look any further than God. He’s got our back, always. He loves us for all the things we do right and for all the scars that we wear. And most importantly, God places people and things around us for exactly what we need. He provides the opportunities for us to connect, to form friendships and relationships.
A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
John 13:34
As for my daughter – she had rave reviews about her birthday party. And I’m never going to stop worrying if either of my kiddos have friends, or if they’re well-liked, or if they’re accepted. I just want them to be connected and welcomed into a space that allows them to be exactly who they are.
That’s all for this blog, friends. This brain and heart are tired. Until next time,
Jess