September 20, 2024
I remember the very early days of being a stay-at-home mom. My daughter was barely 2 and I was pregnant with my son. I wrestled with the idea of staying home for so long. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to – I did, with all my heart – but multiple “what-ifs” brought uncertainty and challenge. Finally, with the prospect of 2 in daycare, we took a leap of faith and I left my job to start my dream job of being a full-time mom.
About 2 weeks into my new position as “Mother Extraordinaire”, my husband came home from work to find my daughter happily sitting on the steps and me in tears, next to her. I remember crying and pacing the kitchen, recounting to him the traumatic day we had in a brand-new playgroup with brand-new potential friends for me and for her.
Let me stop and paint you a picture of what I imagined: fresh stay-at-home mom, seeking lifelong connection with new moms and lifelong friends for daughter, in a tight-knit community where we would raise our children together and all families would go on vacation together and live happily ever after.
And instead, my daughter? Well, she kind of just ruined it for me. She refused to play with the other tiny children. She wasn’t kind. In fact, she was mean. She didn’t listen to me, she threw sand at a couple kids, she wouldn’t share a single playground toy, and she melted down loudly and angrily when it was time to go. I remember carting her out of there on my pregnant belly as fast as I could because I was just so mortified about her behavior. And the worst part? She didn’t even care that she acted like that, even though I was teaching her everyday “NOT do those things”. I told my husband we were raising a sociopath.
Over the next several months, each time I went back to that playgroup for an event, I remember apologizing for all the things my daughter did. I remember being on pins and needles, fearing for any wrong move she would make that resembled 2 year-old behavior. I didn’t want the other moms to judge me or judge my sweet Lily Marie. These were going to be my lifelong friends!
Spoiler Alert: They weren’t. But I remember them to be nice people.
I am literally shaking my head, a bit laughing, a bit sad, as I type out this story. Let me be clear as I judge myself in retrospect: I KNEW NOTHING. Just nothing. And I want to go back to those days, with a fresh 2 year-old and a pregnant belly, to hug my daughter and tell her she was actually, 100%, perfectly perfect for a 2 year-old and to hug myself, a self-conscious new-ish mom, who thought she could parent her way out of natural, developmentally-appropriate and inevitable behavior from her child. I was terrified to be judged, terrified for my child to be judged by others, and ultimately, terrified by the prospect of her growing up and never having friends.
PHEW.
You know what? It never occurred to me to pay attention to the fact that the other children in that playgroup did the same things as my daughter. Because they were in the same stage, figuring out the same stuff, and being exactly who they were meant to be at the age of 2.
If only I knew then what I know now. That our children – no matter the age – need to be given the space and time to go and grow through their different developmental stages. Lily’s job at 2 was to be exactly who she was – an incredibly sweet, smart, sassy, incredibly difficult, beautiful, ridiculously stubborn and sometimes a little no-so-perfect child. Fast forward 9 years, and Lily’s job now at 11 is literally exactly the same. And me, 9 years older, and trying a lot harder to give her the space to do what she is supposed to do as a “tween”. It doesn’t make it easier and it doesn’t make me not question all my life and parenting choices…haha. But this is her TIME to do it.
We can be so quick to judge others and ourselves – I am guilty of doing both, too. We worry that someone is judging our parenting or our children, and at the same time, slide easily into the role of “judge” as we observe other children or parents. Our fears and preconceptions stick with us over time.
Y’all. It’s time to break this cycle. We are all LITERALLY doing the same things and our kiddos are going through the same things, and we are not alone in this. Maybe it’s time we stepped off our lonely islands of worry and judgment and instead embrace the beauty that comes from giving our children, ourselves, and others grace and compassion and support.
Maybe it’s time we stop apologizing for our children, comparing them to others, and instead realizing that the best gift we can give our children is to meet them where they are. For exactly who they are.
I recently shared a meme I found on the Insta with the preschool staff. This is what we ask of each other at the start of every new preschool year.
It reminds me what God calls us to do in Colossians 3:12-14:
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
My daughter isn’t a sociopath. Haha. She was 2. Now’s she’s 11. She’s going to be 13 and then 16 and then 21 and I have no idea who she will be at those ages. But she will be Lily, and I’m going to try my best to remember that she is God’s child first, and she (and I) deserve compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. As do all of you and your sweet children.
Until next time,
Jess